I relate very strongly with this essay. I've also been running a data collection and optimization process for many years to deal with my brain's quirks. It has helped, but the cost is that the process can't be turned off. Recently I needed to unplug and got high and used Claude in "checkmark mode" where it only responds with a checkmark. When I finally released it to analyze what was logged, it observed that the notes were "a phenomenological study of an organism attempting to rest". The attempt to rest failed, in other words. This goes back to the comments we traded the other day. The root of the problem is that we're compelled to optimize to fit the culture rather than building a culture we could naturally exist in.
This. Exactly this. Figured out the mechanism. Figured out what to do about it. Follow-through? Somewhere between hard and impossible. I'm still wondering if this is just what life is. Or if I'm doing it wrong somehow. In short: I feel you. Thanks for writing this! It made me feel less alone.
Could the manual be the problem? Could a better ‘loop’ simply be to re-classify a trigger as an early invite to notice it and nurture before it becomes a howling need. Could life be no more than a steady candle flame of while(do(be(do))) ? What would happen when that is done and the manual just burns into ash
“But the manual keeps growing, and the more precise the map, the less room for just being. “ I really feel this more and more every day. Appreciate your words.
When I was younger, life happened randomly and I couldn't figure out when or why great days and terrible days would happen. Then I started experimenting, and eventually, I developed a little self awareness and some good attempts at "controlling" my environment, and also recognizing when to "radically accept" the things beyond my control.
You already know that I believe we’re quite similar in the way our brains work, and this essay just deepened that belief of mine. As another endless self-optimizer, I can only offer understanding and a giant hug, for I have no advice. 💕
This resonates with me. You wonder does the level of 'data' or insight we now have help or hinder us 🤔 I tracked my cycles for a bout 2 years while TTC I found it powerful for the first time.in my life mid 30s to understand my body fully however it did become a bit of an obsession in the end and I stepped away. And now 10 years later with 3 young children im.constantly analysing their moods and behaviours to see how I can 'scaffold' them better - are they fed or tired and how can I remedy this or support them? It can be exhausting and I generally am last in line. Like you I know what I need but doing it seems a huge task at times. And I sometimes pick a creative task instead of drinking the water or eating lunch 🫣 but sometimes that is what I need ❤️
I resonate so much with this. The "functional" yet clearly not. The optimizing & mapping of myself only to find, "oh look, that map coordinate only stands in these particular conditions but shifts under these". Thinking I must've mapped things incorrectly, how do I get it right? How do I exist "rightly"? It's exhausting.
I still experience this, but not to the same mind-numbing, life-sucking degree I once did. I've made a practice of looking outward, at the cultural narratives, at institutional ideas & definitions, any meaning laden story, etc., to learn more about it & why that's a belief I also hold. Then, bit by bit I deconstruct what I held to be "true" & I reconstruct something slightly different and seemingly "more true". (Though, I think of truth as a vicinity, now. An anchored buoy that bobs up and down and all around. I move the anchor when necessary, and revel in the approximate "truth"/buoy location.) I guess in short, I've shifted the optimization of self to optimizing my understanding/framing of the world, one deconstruction/reconstruction, at a time. Which in turn, reshapes how I see myself. A kind of looping remaking.
As an example, to me, systems that deny a very real neuro-type until it's disfunctional, is prioritizing capitalism not my intersectional brain and well being. No one should have to wait until they've reached a point of crisis, before learning about, let alone, how to thrive with their brain. (IMO, anyway.)
Once I reconstruct something new, that becomes a rough framework for making sense of the thing. I guess you could say, I'm making my own manual, that is constantly being written and rewritten, and will never be complete. It's helpful, to me, in the practice, itself, and in the "result". I don't line up toys (an autistic child stereotype), I continually organize & reorganize ideas & meaning. It's reassuring and stabilizing. And sometimes even offers something to others, too.
Okay, thank you for this opportunity to "rubber duck" my way through my own thinking. (Thank you for that, as well! Rubber/robot ducking! So many of my own practices began to sit differently after I read that post.)
I hope you find (or create) the path that allows you to breathe easier, to BE more freely. 🙌🏻
«Every piece of self-knowledge is a new obligation.»
This is exactly how I felt last year. I had just gone through a coaching training program so I’d learned a lot of skills how one can improve their life — and I was coaching myself trying to improve mine, and the more I was trying the more trapped I was feeling. I couldn’t understand it — “I know what to do — why the hell can’t I make it work for me??” I was feeling guilty and was slowly (or rather quickly) losing my confidence in my ability to do anything (all the worth things I’d done before were quickly forgotten).
And then I discovered I had ADHD. I am still learning to embrace what it really means, but if there is one thing that helped me tremendously to break that self-humiliating-through-self-improvement cycle, it’s this: it wasn’t a willpower problem — it was a safely problem. All this time I’d been trying to power my way through into a person I thought I needed to be — while creating a hostile environment for my nervous system. And neurodivergent nervous system needs emotional safety before it can do anything else.
I still feel guilty at times — and the last few months have been very challenging emotionally because of other things — but with that new knowledge I am feeling that I am starting to get easier on myself — and it is starting to open doors to improvement — without forcing it.
I relate very strongly with this essay. I've also been running a data collection and optimization process for many years to deal with my brain's quirks. It has helped, but the cost is that the process can't be turned off. Recently I needed to unplug and got high and used Claude in "checkmark mode" where it only responds with a checkmark. When I finally released it to analyze what was logged, it observed that the notes were "a phenomenological study of an organism attempting to rest". The attempt to rest failed, in other words. This goes back to the comments we traded the other day. The root of the problem is that we're compelled to optimize to fit the culture rather than building a culture we could naturally exist in.
Yes, more figs and poetry!
This. Exactly this. Figured out the mechanism. Figured out what to do about it. Follow-through? Somewhere between hard and impossible. I'm still wondering if this is just what life is. Or if I'm doing it wrong somehow. In short: I feel you. Thanks for writing this! It made me feel less alone.
Yeah, I’m stuck on that too. It’s this just me making a big deal about something that’s really universal?
So happy to have met you (and your brain) Sabrina.
Likewise ❤️
Could the manual be the problem? Could a better ‘loop’ simply be to re-classify a trigger as an early invite to notice it and nurture before it becomes a howling need. Could life be no more than a steady candle flame of while(do(be(do))) ? What would happen when that is done and the manual just burns into ash
You sound like my therapist! I would love to burn that manual but one need to perform on a regular cadence to have value in this world.
Umm. Just not true unfortunately 🤷 may you realise this soon 🙏
“But the manual keeps growing, and the more precise the map, the less room for just being. “ I really feel this more and more every day. Appreciate your words.
Thank you! I wish you more room to just be.
I really identify with this.
When I was younger, life happened randomly and I couldn't figure out when or why great days and terrible days would happen. Then I started experimenting, and eventually, I developed a little self awareness and some good attempts at "controlling" my environment, and also recognizing when to "radically accept" the things beyond my control.
Did you experience that randomness as a problem?
Yes. It felt like good times were fleeting and disaster was always right around the corner, which made me develop anxious superstitions.
You already know that I believe we’re quite similar in the way our brains work, and this essay just deepened that belief of mine. As another endless self-optimizer, I can only offer understanding and a giant hug, for I have no advice. 💕
This resonates with me. You wonder does the level of 'data' or insight we now have help or hinder us 🤔 I tracked my cycles for a bout 2 years while TTC I found it powerful for the first time.in my life mid 30s to understand my body fully however it did become a bit of an obsession in the end and I stepped away. And now 10 years later with 3 young children im.constantly analysing their moods and behaviours to see how I can 'scaffold' them better - are they fed or tired and how can I remedy this or support them? It can be exhausting and I generally am last in line. Like you I know what I need but doing it seems a huge task at times. And I sometimes pick a creative task instead of drinking the water or eating lunch 🫣 but sometimes that is what I need ❤️
Reminds me of this quote (from the Bible?!) which has been bouncing around my head since elementary school:
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”
Comforts me that this is a universal / timeless human struggle. We're all there with you :)
I relate to lots of this as a recovering self-optimizer. And also I want to say that you're a really good writer.
Wow, nobody is luke warm about this piece. You really struck a nerve.
I resonate so much with this. The "functional" yet clearly not. The optimizing & mapping of myself only to find, "oh look, that map coordinate only stands in these particular conditions but shifts under these". Thinking I must've mapped things incorrectly, how do I get it right? How do I exist "rightly"? It's exhausting.
I still experience this, but not to the same mind-numbing, life-sucking degree I once did. I've made a practice of looking outward, at the cultural narratives, at institutional ideas & definitions, any meaning laden story, etc., to learn more about it & why that's a belief I also hold. Then, bit by bit I deconstruct what I held to be "true" & I reconstruct something slightly different and seemingly "more true". (Though, I think of truth as a vicinity, now. An anchored buoy that bobs up and down and all around. I move the anchor when necessary, and revel in the approximate "truth"/buoy location.) I guess in short, I've shifted the optimization of self to optimizing my understanding/framing of the world, one deconstruction/reconstruction, at a time. Which in turn, reshapes how I see myself. A kind of looping remaking.
As an example, to me, systems that deny a very real neuro-type until it's disfunctional, is prioritizing capitalism not my intersectional brain and well being. No one should have to wait until they've reached a point of crisis, before learning about, let alone, how to thrive with their brain. (IMO, anyway.)
Once I reconstruct something new, that becomes a rough framework for making sense of the thing. I guess you could say, I'm making my own manual, that is constantly being written and rewritten, and will never be complete. It's helpful, to me, in the practice, itself, and in the "result". I don't line up toys (an autistic child stereotype), I continually organize & reorganize ideas & meaning. It's reassuring and stabilizing. And sometimes even offers something to others, too.
Okay, thank you for this opportunity to "rubber duck" my way through my own thinking. (Thank you for that, as well! Rubber/robot ducking! So many of my own practices began to sit differently after I read that post.)
I hope you find (or create) the path that allows you to breathe easier, to BE more freely. 🙌🏻
«Every piece of self-knowledge is a new obligation.»
This is exactly how I felt last year. I had just gone through a coaching training program so I’d learned a lot of skills how one can improve their life — and I was coaching myself trying to improve mine, and the more I was trying the more trapped I was feeling. I couldn’t understand it — “I know what to do — why the hell can’t I make it work for me??” I was feeling guilty and was slowly (or rather quickly) losing my confidence in my ability to do anything (all the worth things I’d done before were quickly forgotten).
And then I discovered I had ADHD. I am still learning to embrace what it really means, but if there is one thing that helped me tremendously to break that self-humiliating-through-self-improvement cycle, it’s this: it wasn’t a willpower problem — it was a safely problem. All this time I’d been trying to power my way through into a person I thought I needed to be — while creating a hostile environment for my nervous system. And neurodivergent nervous system needs emotional safety before it can do anything else.
I still feel guilty at times — and the last few months have been very challenging emotionally because of other things — but with that new knowledge I am feeling that I am starting to get easier on myself — and it is starting to open doors to improvement — without forcing it.
I’m with you Emma 🙏